Things That Make Me Go Hmm!

The day has been looming like a dark ominous candy filled cloud. Only 24 hours until life can go back to normal and I can partake in my yearly stockpiling of discounted chocolate.

I took to the interwebs to find a group of people who feel the same way I do, since it seems 99.9% of my friends are in relationships now. I found a lovely community of cupid hating single gals who had a lot to say. I decided to compile a list of my favourite anti-Valentine’s Day quotes to demonstrate to the world how I truly feel about this disgusting sad excuse of a holiday. 

“Valentine’s Day is like herpes: just when you think its gone for good, it rears its ugly head once more. No wonder people call it VD”

“If your phone doesn’t ring, its me”

“I feel much better now that I’ve given up all hope”

“I’m so glad we hooked up again, I had forgotten what it feels like to be unimportant”

“Hey Cupid, I got your arrows you flying half naked midget bastard!” (personal favourite)

“Love is like a box of chocolates, its sweet at first but then you want to puke”

And something to think about for all you love birds out there: 

When exchanging a kiss, 278 colonies of bacteria are exchanged too. 

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!

This is just a quick one. 

Dear men, NEVER EVER EVER EVER suggest McDonalds to a female on the first date. Especially if said McDonalds is in a Wal-Mart

From, Women (especially me….I speak from experience…twice)

So the big news in Canadianland is that we are getting our very own Bachelor! So, being the nationalist that I am I decided to apply. I then watched last night’s episode of The Bachelor US and it solidified the fact that it will be a miracle as big as the Immaculate Conception if I make it. And these are the reasons why:

1) The time the girls spend in a bikini as opposed to regular clothing is about 4:1. I will never subject the viewing public to me in a two piece. If Canada wants to see me flopping around in a pool wearing a skirtini (tankini with a skirt bottom), then by all means, here I come. 

2) PDA kind of grosses me out. A cute little hand hold is nice, or a peck on the cheek. A full on raunchy make out session with fondling is something I keep behind closed doors. Or more recently, something I keep confined to my imagination (dry spell). If I can’t have strangers see me kiss then why would I allow my family to watch those unspeakable acts?

3) I am mentally stable….kind of. I find it so sad when those poor women get kicked off the show and bawl in the limo. When I am rejected I keep those tears hidden, until I am in my room watching (insert stereotypical chick flick here) and eating (insert various ice cream flavours here). I also find it hilarious how paranoid all the women get when they see the bach with another woman. I can’t be that girl on tv, I’m already that girl in real life. 

4) I’ve never been on a helicopter and I don’t plan on it. They do not seem sturdy enough and I don’t like seeing a plane being flown. Out of sight, out of mind. 

5) I hate girls. 

Tis the season for bankruptcy! They always say its better to give than to receive right? Well what about when giving has you receiving an overwhelmingly hefty credit card bill, an empty wallet, and terrible night terrors where you wake up in a cold sweat? No worries people, I am here to help YOU. I am going to list the best ways to spend Christmas on a budget. 

1) REGIFT REGIFT REGIFT. Yes it might seem tacky but, grandma is getting old and she probably won’t remember when she gave you that light up ugly christmas sweater a few years ago. I’m sure she would LOVE it now. If they loved it enough to buy it for you then I’m sure they will love it once you give it back. 

2) CRAFT TIME. Remember when you were younger, how excited your parents got when you brought home another macaroni necklace. Well lets bring that magic back again people. String some elbows or some penne on a string and you’ve got yourself some haute couture jewellery! And if you’re feeling a little crazy, make a bracelet too (experts only). 

3) EXTREME COUPONING. Everyone loves a good coupon. Why not make a coupon book with vouchers that someone can cash in for a free massage, free house cleaning, free dogsitting, anything!?! Its easy to make, you can tailor it to fit the needs of any friend, and chances are in a week they will either lose it or completely forget about it. Everyone wins!

4) THE NEXT BETTY CROCKER. This is always my favourite way to save money during the holidays. Bake your loved ones some delicious treats. Its quick, easy, and you can use things that you already have in the house. Flour, sugar, chocolate, potato chips, ketchup, ramen noodles, kraft dinner. The best part about it is that you can save some chocolate chip cookies for those long cold nights spent all alone while your friends are out spending money on fancy dinners and drinks at a cool new bar. 

Merry Christmas!!! 

icantthinkofanythingwitty:

And now I’m all nostalgic and listening to old arrangements of christmas pieces we did way back when and missing choir something fierce.